I’ve started to get a bit introspective of myself over on livejournal. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but I’m thinking that it’s a good thing. For the first time in a long while, I’ve wanted to write. It’s nothing special; no poetry or fiction or fanfiction; but it’s writing. I’m putting feeling to words and creating things. Every day for the past week I’ve written at least once. And it’s nice. And yes, I’m sharing what I’ve been writing with other people. Of course, it’s been in a locked environment because let’s face it, I’m being brutally honest about myself and I’m…kind of going with the raw, here’s what I’m feeling type of stuff. It is a journal after all. LOL. And I got an e-mail from NaBloPoMo about writing every day in February. And I might. Here. I plan on writing over at lj but I just don’t think I’m ready to share all the rawness here. At least over on lj I can lock it down and decide who gets to read it. Here – it’s all out there in the open. That’s not to say I’m not willing to share here. I am. And I will share a bit. But none of the over bearing oh my gosh pull out a tissue type of crap I have over there. Because I get hugs over there. Well, virtual hugs but they’re hugs. And I like my virtual hugs. LOL. And I’m not trying to get out of sharing. Seriously. I can provide a sample of what I’ve written over there. I just won’t share all of it.
from livejournal:
I might be the girl who lives in jeans, cotton shirts and sneakers but I’m happiest that way. I may be the girl who doesn’t wear make-up or take the time to fuss over my hair but that’s not me. I might be the girl who’s overweight but only I can control that and as I learn to, it makes me even happier. I may be the girl who has so many social anxieties that she hides from people but there are some people out there willing to be my friend. I might be the girl who would rather read a history book or learn to program a computer. I may be the girl who enjoys staying home and reading, watching television or playing a computer game. I might be the girl who doesn’t like parties or bars or drinking. I may be the girl who’s 27 and never been kissed. I might be the girl who has a few close friends and that’s it. There is nothing wrong with me. I don’t fit into the role that society keeps trying to push me into. I’m different and unique and I’m me. Someone told me the other day that she was so happy and amazed at the fact that I could care less what people think of me; that I just continue being me. I told her that that’s not true, that I’m constantly worrying about what people say about me and what people think about me. She told me you’d never know it by meeting me and that if I really am worrying about it, I should just let it go. She said it was refreshing to meet someone who wasn’t fake and who didn’t find the need to be a size 2 blond haired girl who only cared about fashion, hair styles and who they would be sleeping with that night.
So I guess I’m offering myself up there. I want friends and I want to connect with people. Would you be willing to give me a chance?
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He also asked me why I think I have so much trouble talking to said person and I said, well, I can be talking with the person and I’ll be carrying an entire conversation in my head critiquing what is going on and I’ll psych myself out. He laughed and said he knew there was 1 in a million people who could carry on a conversation with someone while having one with themselves in their head and somehow I would be the 1 person he met. I told him I don’t hear voices and he said no, you just have an extreme inner self that has too much control. I asked for a lobotomy but he said that wouldn’t make me happy.
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I figured if they were going to forget about me, I was going to do it first. Classic example of someone who’s been hurt over and over by various types of rejection I guess. All I know is, I pushed; or tried to push; everyone away. And I kept spiraling down. It wasn’t ugly; in fact most of it was internal; but I was spiraling down. And eventually, it did start spilling out into the outside too. It only took four months for me to reach the bottom of wherever I was going. It reached a point where all I did was lash out at everyone. I hated everyone. It didn’t matter who you were, I hated you and I could find things to really hate you about. And then I started to hate myself which, I guess if I was going to hate everyone, hating myself should fall into there too. I knew it had gotten bad though when I started thinking I’m never going to meet anyone’s expectations and no one is ever going to love so why even bother living.
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Yeah…I think my mind is just tired of keeping everything inside…and I’m allowing it to finally vent. Whoever thought I wasn’t messed up was wrong. I’m human. All humans have feelings. And insecurities. And panic attacks. And low moments. But the great thing about being human is? We can pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off.
And seeing as I have so much trouble making friends in person, I’ll take talking to the people online over not talking to anyone but a handful of people. Why is it I can talk to people that I can see; have a conversation with them; but in person, I cannot? It just doesn’t make sense. There is this person that I want to talk to; they’d be interesting to talk to because I think they’re really smart and funny and yet every time they are around, my brain goes stupid. How is it that a brain can go stupid when a person is around? Can anyone explain that too me? And how do you make it stop? Do you know what would make it easier? If I could just talk through e-mail all the time. For some reason, I can talk through e-mail. I regress. I just wanted to tell this website that I wasn’t neglecting it on purpose, I’ve just been making some new friends over on livejournal. As a side note, if you happen to wonder over on livejournal, look me up. I am TheGrrlGeek – 
