Dear woman who works at Barnes and Nobles. When my friend and I were looking at books in an isle for an extended period of time, you came up to us and told us that we had to move; that we could not loiter in an isle. You then proceeded to follow us around the store until we left. Tonight when I stopped at Barnes and Nobles, there were two teenage girls spread out across an entire isle with notebooks and textbooks. You walked past them without saying anything. I waited, you came back and again you walked past them without saying a thing to them. WTF? We are standing in an isle and you feel the need to tell us that we are loitering. Two girls are spread across the isle and you say nothing to them? How the hell is that fair? Were I not to love books so much, I would never visit the bookstore again. But I cannot say that. So I hope you get a papercut. On every finger. Twice. Blah.

Sorry, just had to get that off my chest. I probably should have said something but I feel like crap and I would have bitched her out. Because how is that fair? We weren’t spread across an isle. We were in it looking at books, yes. But not taking up the entire thing.

I’ve started to get a bit introspective of myself over on livejournal. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing but I’m thinking that it’s a good thing. For the first time in a long while, I’ve wanted to write. It’s nothing special; no poetry or fiction or fanfiction; but it’s writing. I’m putting feeling to words and creating things. Every day for the past week I’ve written at least once. And it’s nice. And yes, I’m sharing what I’ve been writing with other people. Of course, it’s been in a locked environment because let’s face it, I’m being brutally honest about myself and I’m…kind of going with the raw, here’s what I’m feeling type of stuff. It is a journal after all. LOL. And I got an e-mail from NaBloPoMo about writing every day in February. And I might. Here. I plan on writing over at lj but I just don’t think I’m ready to share all the rawness here. At least over on lj I can lock it down and decide who gets to read it. Here – it’s all out there in the open. That’s not to say I’m not willing to share here. I am. And I will share a bit. But none of the over bearing oh my gosh pull out a tissue type of crap I have over there. Because I get hugs over there. Well, virtual hugs but they’re hugs. And I like my virtual hugs. LOL. And I’m not trying to get out of sharing. Seriously. I can provide a sample of what I’ve written over there. I just won’t share all of it.

from livejournal:

I might be the girl who lives in jeans, cotton shirts and sneakers but I’m happiest that way. I may be the girl who doesn’t wear make-up or take the time to fuss over my hair but that’s not me. I might be the girl who’s overweight but only I can control that and as I learn to, it makes me even happier. I may be the girl who has so many social anxieties that she hides from people but there are some people out there willing to be my friend. I might be the girl who would rather read a history book or learn to program a computer. I may be the girl who enjoys staying home and reading, watching television or playing a computer game. I might be the girl who doesn’t like parties or bars or drinking. I may be the girl who’s 27 and never been kissed. I might be the girl who has a few close friends and that’s it. There is nothing wrong with me. I don’t fit into the role that society keeps trying to push me into. I’m different and unique and I’m me. Someone told me the other day that she was so happy and amazed at the fact that I could care less what people think of me; that I just continue being me. I told her that that’s not true, that I’m constantly worrying about what people say about me and what people think about me. She told me you’d never know it by meeting me and that if I really am worrying about it, I should just let it go. She said it was refreshing to meet someone who wasn’t fake and who didn’t find the need to be a size 2 blond haired girl who only cared about fashion, hair styles and who they would be sleeping with that night.

So I guess I’m offering myself up there. I want friends and I want to connect with people. Would you be willing to give me a chance?

—–

He also asked me why I think I have so much trouble talking to said person and I said, well, I can be talking with the person and I’ll be carrying an entire conversation in my head critiquing what is going on and I’ll psych myself out. He laughed and said he knew there was 1 in a million people who could carry on a conversation with someone while having one with themselves in their head and somehow I would be the 1 person he met. I told him I don’t hear voices and he said no, you just have an extreme inner self that has too much control. I asked for a lobotomy but he said that wouldn’t make me happy.

—–

I figured if they were going to forget about me, I was going to do it first. Classic example of someone who’s been hurt over and over by various types of rejection I guess. All I know is, I pushed; or tried to push; everyone away. And I kept spiraling down. It wasn’t ugly; in fact most of it was internal; but I was spiraling down. And eventually, it did start spilling out into the outside too. It only took four months for me to reach the bottom of wherever I was going. It reached a point where all I did was lash out at everyone. I hated everyone. It didn’t matter who you were, I hated you and I could find things to really hate you about. And then I started to hate myself which, I guess if I was going to hate everyone, hating myself should fall into there too. I knew it had gotten bad though when I started thinking I’m never going to meet anyone’s expectations and no one is ever going to love so why even bother living.

—–

Yeah…I think my mind is just tired of keeping everything inside…and I’m allowing it to finally vent. Whoever thought I wasn’t messed up was wrong. I’m human. All humans have feelings. And insecurities. And panic attacks. And low moments. But the great thing about being human is? We can pick ourselves up and dust ourselves off.

I swear…I’m not cheating…much

I’ve been neglecting this website. It wasn’t intentional and it’s not that I’m cheating on this website with Facebook because I really haven’t been over there either. But I am cheating. On the website since there’s no one in my life that I can cheat on. LOL. Actually, how do you cheat on a website? I mean, it’s not like the website is sitting here waiting for me to come on every day and work on it or write on it. Seriously. This domain and blog are not sitting here wondering where I am every day. Neither is TheGrrlGeek which just to clarify is not the website I’m cheating on this one with. Nope, I’m neglecting that website too. Though I do plan on doing a little coding tonight. No – I am cheating on these websites and Facebook with livejournal. Yes, I have found my way back to the place that I swore I would never go back too. Not because it was evil but because it can be so addicting. But you know what, it’s so easy to make friends there. I’ve only been *back* on my journal over there since Sunday but I’ve already made a handful of new friends. They’re nice. :) And seeing as I have so much trouble making friends in person, I’ll take talking to the people online over not talking to anyone but a handful of people. Why is it I can talk to people that I can see; have a conversation with them; but in person, I cannot? It just doesn’t make sense. There is this person that I want to talk to; they’d be interesting to talk to because I think they’re really smart and funny and yet every time they are around, my brain goes stupid. How is it that a brain can go stupid when a person is around? Can anyone explain that too me? And how do you make it stop? Do you know what would make it easier? If I could just talk through e-mail all the time. For some reason, I can talk through e-mail. I regress. I just wanted to tell this website that I wasn’t neglecting it on purpose, I’ve just been making some new friends over on livejournal. As a side note, if you happen to wonder over on livejournal, look me up. I am TheGrrlGeek – TheGrrlGeek. I know, original. :) Oh…and the first link is different from the second link. LOL. As I said, I’m original. I’m also found at TheGrrlGeek over on Facebook. And as I just glanced at the corner of the dashboard here, that’s my nickname here too.

Tomorrow is Wicked! Yay! I cannot wait to see this musical. I have been waiting ages to see this and finally, the day has come. I just hope I don’t start singing along because I did that to Phantom of the Opera when I finally got to see that. So here’s hoping I don’t start singing along to this. :) But over all, I am super excited. I’ve read the book and I’ve listened to the soundtrack and I do know that two are different but I think I actually like the musical better then the book. Though thinking about it, I might read the book again.

I’ve been working on thegrrlgeek.net and while I haven’t gotten much up there, I am having fun adding in the code. Okay, so I did not design the actual layout but as I am adding content, I do have to work with some of the code. If I didn’t have such a problem with creating graphics, I would have tried doing the entire layout by myself, but I completely suck when it comes to graphics. That has always been my downfall. The coding not so much. With a little reading and a little work…and some memorizing, the coding flows along easily. Anyways, I’ve been working on it though I do still have a lot more of my various writing pieces to get coded and then uploaded but I’ll work on that tomorrow when we get home from Wicked. Tonight…my brain is mush and not actually putting together solid thoughts. Which is actually kind of fun in an over tired haven’t really slept much or eaten much the last week type of way.

So a few weeks ago, Steve gave me fmylife.com to read. I swear, some of these have to be fake. There is no way that they are true; but I swear, some of these are hilarious. And I cannot stop laughing. Like the one “Today I went to the hospital because I was knocked out with a potato”. Okay – first of all, how do you get knocked out with a potato and second – why the hell would you admit to being knocked out with a potato? I mean seriously, had I gotten knocked out with a potato, I would have to come up with something a bit more interesting. Maybe I got knocked out by a flying squirrel or sign post but a potato?

And there are some disgusting ones on this web site. But you know what – they’re a great way to make everyone laugh. And cringe.

Bookflix?

So I was looking on the various websites that I do to try and find money making opportunities and I found a company that does for books what Netflix does for movies. Umm…hello? When did this happen? Because this is really a cool idea. And yes, I know that there are such things as library’s that offer free books but what if you cannot/will not leave the house?

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The madness is almost over…I hope

The stores are getting even more crazy if that is even possible. It took my longer to get from work to the mall area then it normally takes me to get home home at night and I only live five to ten minutes past the mall. Not that I was going to the mall. I cannot say that last time that I was in the mall. But still, it was the area that I was going. I could not believe the number of cars on the road and the number of people who were just driving like complete morons. Since I was going to dinner with Gretchen tonight at 6, I decided that it probably wasn’t even worth it to try and go home only to have to make my way back to Olive Garden. Instead, I stopped at Ulta to pick up more chocolate hand creame and the couple of things that my mom needed. It was crowded in there but I really think it was more people like me hitting the sales for stuff that we like then for people really shopping for anyone else. After that, I stopped at Barnes and Nobles to see if I could get the Star Bucks gift card I need for tomorrow night but since the Star Bucks is in Barnes and Nobles, they only do Barnes and Nobles gift cards. That was fine; I just decided to kill some time and wander around the store to see if there was anything that I might like to read on my week off. Probably not the best idea since I had my laptop with me and as I wasn’t leaving it in the car, I was carrying that bag around with me. After the first five minutes or so, the thing gets really heavy and I really wish I had left it at home. But someone said they were bringing a DVD to work and asked if I could bring it in the play it. And then they forgot the DVD. I did find two books to see if I like them and plan on reading them next week along with playing some computer games.

I didn’t spend to much time in the book store since I really am trying to limit the number of books I buy right now. By that point it was 5:20 and I just decided to go sit at Olive Garden until Gretchen got there. I am glad that I left early since it took me over twenty minutes to GET ACROSS THE DAMNED STREET. It drove me nuts. If I was so inclined, I could have walked across the street faster then it took me to move two feet in the parking lot. I still got there early though and when I texted Gretchen, she said go in and put my name in so we could get a table. They were not busy at all and so I got a table right away. I think the waitress felt sorry for me because I had to wait twenty minutes for Gretchen to get through traffic because she kept coming over and asking if I was okay and just randomly talking to me. It was nice actually. Dinner was not bad and while I do not like chocolate cake, we split chocolate cake and it was good. LOL.

Tomorrow I have to run to Star Bucks and WaWa to get two gifts cards and I do believe that I need to get my eye brows done. At least I do if they aren’t too crazy. With it being Christmas Eve, they might be packed. So I guess that means I am getting up early and hoping to beat the crowds out at the stores. Once we get home, I can play World of Warcraft and try to get my character to level 10 or higher. It’s weird being so low again but I deleted all my old characters. Yes, I know, that was stupid and crazy of me. But we shall see how I do. It can be fun and exciting. I do know we have dinner at Mel’s parents house tomorrow night though I’m not sure what time we need to be there so Steve is going to call our dad tomorrow morning and find out. And with that, I am freezing and sleepy so I think I’m going to go curl up in my bed and sleep for a bit.

Why could it not be Wednesday night? I’ve seen this movie five hundred times; including three times in the theater when it was first released but I still want to watch it. Between the cars and the music – I’m in heaven. And it just ended. But I didn’t get to see it from the beginning. God, I am sure a sucker for a fast car. And there is a Porsche. Dear God. I want one. Who or what do I have to do to get one? And I really do not mean that literally. Because that would go against all my personal beliefs and feelings and that is not something that I want to do. Blah. Must go drag myself away from the TV and to dream land.

Ohhh…the Christmas presents I bought myself came today. :) Yay! I may not have anyone else done except for Nathan but I did buy myself presents. How egotistical is that? In my defense – it is Nathan’s first Christmas and Aunt Jenn does have to start his book collection. What kind of Aunt would I be if I didn’t start him on books? I also want to start him with his first computer games and his first video games. But since he’s only a month old, I do think I have some time before I need to worry about that. Though, you can never start someone too young. Look at me. I’ve been on a computer since I was two. And I’m not addicted to it or anything. *pets computer lovingly* Anyways, I regress like normal. I am apparently a raccoon. Tomorrow night and Thursday morning, I am going to have to go out and buy gifts. It’s the only way to get this done. I should have done it tonight but I had therapy and just wanted to come home to my computer. To play WoW. Which I’m not doing because I’ve been texting Gretchen (and you so cannot text and play WoW at the same time) and reading Ironman fanfic. Change of plans for Wednesday night. Instead of going to Panera Bread like we had planned, we are going to Olive Garden where the pig out Christmas Feast will occur along with plenty of girl talk, exchanging of gifts and crying over desert. So if you’re in the Willow Grove area on Wednesday around six…you might want to avoid Olive Garden. :) Just saying. I wonder if they have WiFi. I could bring my laptop.

Thank goodness that this is a short week at work and that I’m off next week because I really feel like I have a tension headache going on. Not that I really have anything to be tense over but the back of my neck and behind my eyes is killing me. So…it’s time to take some Aleeve and play some WoW so I can kill some things. I know, my therapist would probably think that’s counter productive but he was the one walking around with a Grinch doll on his shoulder talking to it so I don’t want to hear a thing. Actually, the more I think about it, it might not be a tension headache – I might be hungry. Food would be good. Food is cooking. Food is something I can play with tonight. We’re having dinosaur shaped chicken nugget and french fries…someone will have her dinner walking all over the plate. Yes, I may be twenty-seven but I still play with my food and I’m not afraid to admit it. Afraid to admit just about everything else but if it’s trivial, then I will admit it. Admit that I like someone? Never.

I will say that traffic is horrible right now. It took me the whole thirty minutes to get from work to therapy – something which normally only takes 23 minutes. And it took me over ten minutes to go a distance that normally takes me two minutes even with rush hour traffic. Yeah. It was frickin wonderful out there. Tomorrow should be even better since I actually have to do my Christmas shopping; and Wednesday Gretchen and I are doing dinner…I may be ripping my hair out by Thursday. And dinner is done. Sweet!

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